Miracle of Birth Occurs for 89 Billionth Time

Congratulations to my friend Jeromy and his wife, Debbie. On Friday they added Matthew Macrae to their family. He was five weeks early and is still in the NICU, but is doing fine. I know Jeromy and Debbie are thrilled about the new addition to their family. They are great parents, nay, great people and I'm excited thinking about the wonderful family they are building.

Here is Matthew:



And here is Jeromy, holding his son, Elijah, in the NICU with Matthew:

Backwards People

I always knew there was something wrong with lefties. Dr. Sanjay Gupta had a post on his blog recently about some studies done on southpaws.

From Those Who Have Been There

The New York Times also has an article about the Iraq War written by seven NCOs who have done tours there. If only we had leaders willing to listen rather than attempt to force the world to conform to their narrow view.

Torture

Andrew Sullivan has been doing a fantastic job of chronicling our wonderful administration's attempts to justify torture and the ramifications of it. This chilling post about the mental condition of Jose Padilla should be enough to make any sane American outraged. If a Democratic president had done this, you can be sure a Republican Congress would have implemented impeachment proceedings.

Um...Err...

The New York Times has an article about an interesting new book which examines speaking and language gaffes. It, of course, mentions our fearless leader, Big Brother, so I'll also link to Slate's wonderful collection of Bush's verbal bunglings. It's great to read when you need a little pick me up.

Not Often Enough

I went out tonight with my brother, Shawn, and sister, Shawna. We played pool, listened to music, and had a few drinks - alcohol for them, a now rare Pepsi for me. It was nice. My siblings, myself included, have drifted apart over the years and these moments are too few and far between. I am just as guilty as they are and I need to do better at connecting with them.

It's funny how this can so easily happen to a family. There was no dramatic event that triggered this. It just happened. I don't want us to continue with the attitude so perfectly if inadvertently phrased by my sister, "Family's important, but..." I'm going to work harder at repairing these relationships; I hope my siblings will as well.

Small Victory

I finished watching Lord of the Rings with my daughters today. We watched Fellowship last week, Two Towers last night, and Return of the King today. They loved it. Erica was a bawling mess at the end of it. Shaena was asking me questions to get more details about all sorts of things. I was very happy.

It was only a month ago, or so, that I mentioned watching LotR with them and they quickly vetoed the idea. They have mentioned before that it is evil and invites demonic influence into one's life. I knew that they would like it and I have made a lot of progress with them in the last year about this matter and have been able to get them to read books and watch movies that they never would have before. I knew LotR would be no different and that I would probably have to "trick" them into watching it.

I didn't trick them exactly. Last week I told them that we could watch a movie after they did their chores. We sat down on the couch and they were telling me some movies they wanted to watch. I had all ready put Fellowship in the DVD player and told them that I had picked one out. I hit play and waited nervously for their reaction. When "Lord of the Rings" appeared on screen, I was looking back and forth at them waiting for some sort of reaction, a comment, a look, anything. Nothing, actually, as they sat there rapt. When it was over, they were very excited and started bugging me to watch the next one. Unfortunately, it was late and they had to go home, so I told them they would have to wait. One of the first things they said to me when I picked them up yesterday was, "When can we watch the next part of Lord of the Rings?" I was very proud of them.

For me it is another small victory in my attempt to broaden their horizons and question the things they hear from their mother and their church. I still worry about it all the time, but moments like these make me feel better.

Coming Soon - Captain and Katie Joy Date #2: Meet the Parents

Katie Joy called me back yesterday. I admit I was feeling the all too human "Is she going to call me back? Maybe she had a horrible time. Maybe I made a really bad impression." Aren't irrational emotions great. I wasn't panicked, but I was starting to wonder. Women do that on purpose, I'm sure.

We talked about mundane things for a few minutes and then I asked her when I could take her out again. She laughed and then paused. I get a little nervous wondering what's coming. Then she tells me she isn't "really dating" right now and hasn't for awhile. She feels that you date someone to see if you want to marry the person and she's not ready to get married right now because she wants to finish school right first and that will take at least three more years, and yadda, yadda, yadda. I made a crack about now having to cancel my plans to propose to her this weekend. She laughed but said again that she doesn't want to date anyone right now, just hang out with her friends. I said I didn't want to get married right now, either, and asked her when we could hang out again then. After thinking for a second, she said, "I'm having dinner with my parents and family on Monday. Do you want to come over?"

What! A million thoughts ran through my mind, like "How did we go from 'hanging out' to 'dinner with parents.'" Somehow, foolishly or gallantly, with almost no hesitation, I said, "Okay." She also told me that if we are going to "hang out" (yes, I heard the quotes in her voice) she wants me to seriously consider going to church. I just said, "We'll see."

So, now I am wondering about dinner on Monday. It will be interesting, I'm sure, if nothing else. I'm imagining all sorts of questions like, "So, Shane, why do you hate church? Are you down with Satan?" or "Do you always watch porn on your first dates?" or "What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?" Well, the last question would be cool, anyway. And, yes, I'm being snarky, not serious or judgmental. It will still be an, uh, interesting evening to be sure.

As to the church comment, I'm not sure. I know it's very important to her, but rather than just getting blanket demands, I would like to talk to her about church. I'm not sure she understands that even though I am not a regular attendee of a church, I am very serious about my Christian beliefs and do try to live them rather than just believe them. I don't remember Jesus intoning anything along the lines of "And, lo, ye will attend yon church weekly lest ye feel the flames of the fiery pits licking thy feet and the prick of the great Satan's sharp fork of pitch in thy belly." If our relationship does become serious, our religious differences will be something we will have to really talk about.

But, I guess we're not dating right now. We're just "hanging out" which apparently means dinner with her parents and attending church. You learn something new everyday if you pay attention.

Great Movies

Another cross-post from my family blog:

I have a harder time narrowing down favorite movies than favorite songs. I'm not going to try to number these or rank them.

Dead Poet's Society - I don't like this movie because I want to be a teacher, but it helps. I have always preferred Robin Williams in his more dramatic roles than in his comedies and he really shines here. I love the journey the boys go on and you know that the events in the movie will have an impact on the rest of their lives. Favorite Character - Todd Anderson, the shy, insecure guy always resonated with me. Favorite Moment - The end of course when Todd stands on his desk, saying, "Oh Captain! My Captain!" as Mr. Keating is leaving the classroom. Most of the students then follow suit. A very powerful moment. Memorable Quote - Everybody knows "Carpe diem," so I'll go with "No matter what anybody tells you, words and ideas can change the world."

Braveheart - I saw this three times in the theater. This flick really made me think about heroism and revenge and fighting for what you believe in. On top of the great story was the incredible music which is one of the scores that got me into film music. James Horner is the man. Favorite Character - As cool as William Wallace was, Stephen is my favorite character. He taught me that every story can be even better with an insane Irishman. Favorite Moment - At the very end, after Robert the Bruce asks the army to fight with him, Hamish steps forward and with a cry flings Wallace's sword toward the English. It spins through the air as the music rises into a heroic, but mournful crescendo. The English captain shakes his head. The Scots cheer and charge for battle. Memorable Quote - The last line of the movie: "In the Year of Our Lord, 1314, patriots of Scotland, starving and outnumbered, charged the fields of Bannockburn. They fought like warrior poets; they fought like Scotsmen, and won their freedom."

The Mission - As much as I love this movie and even with the hopeful note at the end, this is one of those movies that almost makes me hate my fellow humans. The scenes at the end as the church and village burn and the helpless villagers are being slaughters, all for political gain, just rips my heart out. I like that this movie does not give easy answers. Mendoza chooses to fight; Gabriel does not and neither one lives. Who was right? Which path was the right one? Which one would I choose? I love a movie that forces me to think and does not draw conclusions for me. It is haunting. This movie is also helped by an incredibl score. Morricone outdid himself here. Favorite Character - Gabriel. His passion and dedication to his beliefs and to helping others are inspirational. Favorite Moment - The child at the end picking up the remnants of a musical instrument before climbing into a boat with other children and heading away from the carnage. It is hopeful, but so depressing. Memorable Quote - Gabriel arguing with Mendoza about how to deal with the coming conflict: "If might is right, then love has no place in the world. It may be so, it may be so. But I don't have the strength to live in a world like that, Rodrigo."

Moulin Rouge! - I saw this six times in the theater. Yeah, yeah, come collect my man-card if you must. I still love this movie. I don't like most romantic comedies or love stories, not because I'm not down with love, but because I don't feel genuine emotion. I don't feel the love that the characters are supposed to be experiencing. I felt in Moulin Rouge, though, in a big way. Maybe it's because love is such a crazy emotion that the over-the-top spectacle of Baz Luhrmann's images combined with perfect use of contemporary songs made this a very moving movie. I felt the connection between Christian and Satine in a way that I almost never do with film romance. Yes, it is a simple, almost childish love, but it is love. Favorite Character - Christian, of course, the "oh-so-talented, charmingly bohemian, tragically impoverished protégé" of the Children of the Revolution. And he had a "huge...talent." Favorite Moment - Christian has met Satine for the first time and is trying to recite his poetry to her while she writhes on the ground pretending to be aroused. Suddenly, he bursts into song and gives her an incredible rendition of Elton John's "Your Song." The two of them dance on cloudy rooftops beneath a smiling, singing moon. Memorable Quote - "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."

Fight Club - I saw this one twice at the cinema. I like strange movies with strange characters and this one fit the bill. Palahniuk's book was good, but this was a rare case of the film eclipsing its source. Fincher was the perfect director to capture the dark, morbid, humorous tone of this story. I think Pitt, Norton, and Fincher should have received Oscar nominations. This movie was a powerful exploration of the modern emasculation of men and what could happen if it swung the other way and was completely unchecked. Favorite Character - Tyler Durden is the man. Favorite Moment - The narrator beats himself up, badly, in front of his boss. Memorable Quote - "You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

This is getting long, so I'll just toss out the names of a few others that I don't like any less than the few I've mentioned. Another time, I'll explore what I like about these.

Star Trek II, The Empire Strikes Back, Lord of the Rings, Magnolia, Heat, Dr. Strangelove, Blade Runner, American Beauty, Casablanca. I'm sure I am forgetting a few, but as I said, this is getting rather long-winded.

Fascinating

Headline in today's local paper, the Billings Gazette: Senators suspect link between fires, warming.

I, for one, remain skeptical of this. I have never seen or heard of any fire involved in "warming" of any kind. Whatever it is, though, I'm sure our respectable Senators will get to the bottom of it.

Gays in the Military

Armstrong: "General, how many soldier's lives is the life of one gay man worth?"
General McBrayer: "Seven."


'Gays Too Precious To Risk In Combat,' Says General

Favorite Songs

Cross-posted from the family blog:

There is no contention for my favorite song. It has been the same for awhile now, and it will take a mighty song indeed to knock it from its perch. After that it gets hazy, but I've picked two others that I often cite as numbers two and three. So, counting down...

3. Hero of the Day - Metallica. They have two versions of this song. One is the studio recording from the Load album. I enjoy this version, but if this is the only one I had ever heard, this song would only rank as "very good" instead of one of my favorites. It is the live version from the S&M album which launches this song into the stratosphere. The orchestral backing is a perfectly somber accompaniment and James' voice has become better with age as it captures the emotion of the lyrics perfectly. I have always been fascinated by heroes from fiction to real life and this song is about them. The exact meaning of the song is hard to pin down but it does deal with themes of looking for heroes in the wrong places, not seeing the real heroes that are around us, those same heroes getting beat down by life and society. Best part: Right after "So can't you hear your babies crying now?" before the last chorus as the orchestra is playing slow and somber James hollers out to the crowd, "I can't hear you!" and launches into the last verses with equal parts sadness and anger.

2. Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley. I nearly cry every time I hear this song. Jeff really did have the voice of an angel. It's unfortunate he died so young. Leonard Cohen originally wrote and performed this song, and, though there have been many covers, nothing has come close to Jeff's version on his Grace album. The song is about love and relationships and emotion and ultimately sadness. Cohen made extensive use of religious imagery for this song and it just makes it all the more poignant. Best part: The final time Jeff sings, "It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah," and you feel his heart breaking.

1. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen. You knew this one was coming. Without a doubt BoRhap is my favorite song; there is no competition. Queen is my favorite band and this is the pinnacle of their career. Freddie Mercury has the one voice I like better than Jeff Buckley's. Both have great range (although, Buckley's is greater), but more than that, both inject such emotion into their singing. They are not just singing the songs, they are living them, feeling them. The over-the-top operatic bombast of this song is perfect for Freddie's voice. I love the fact that it has multiple styles and seems to be all over the place musically. It has a cappela singing, a head-banging guitar solo, the sound of a choir (even it if was just Queen overdubbed many times), heartbreaking piano playing, grandiose lyrics, and Freddie's magical vocals over all else. Whatever this song is about, and there are many interpretations, it seems that something is ending for the singer. Whether it is his life or a great romance, who knows? He is in a lot of pain and doesn't care about anything anymore. So sad. Like "Hallelujah," you don't just hear the emotion in the words, you feel it in the performance. Ah, Freddie, you will be missed. Best part: the piano softly playing at the end as Freddie sings, "Nothing really matters. Nothing really matters to me."

I suppose it says something about me that the three songs I listed are not happy, upbeat songs. I am a happy person and there are some great, feel good songs out there (The Cars, Flogging Molly), but I connect more to somber songs.

Finally

So, a month after I got Katie Joy's phone number, I went on a date with her last night. I was starting to wonder if it ever was going to happen.

We went to dinner at Jade Palace, a Chinese place here in town. I've only been there once before, but have wanted an excuse to go back. Katie Joy told me she really liked Chinese food, so this was a perfect opportunity. I picked her up shortly after 6p. She lives out of town toward Roundup. It's about 16 miles from my house (where's the transporter?). I was very excited and a bit nervous driving out there.

I met her parents, and her younger brother and sister. They all seemed nice. Mom was holding a knife when I met her; she was preparing dinner or something. Someone made a crack about her sending me a message. They laughed and so did I. It did seem straight out of a movie.

She looked very pretty, wearing a nice tank top and khakis. Her hair is dark and just past her shoulder in length. We ate dinner and sat talking for awhile before going to my place and watching a movie. After that, I took her home. She said she had a good time and I did as well. Some observations:

1) She didn't say it in so many words, but I got the impression that the fact that she is eight years younger than me (she is only 20) made her hesitant to go on a date with me. Perhaps being a divorced father of two factored into it, as well, but the age difference did seem to be somewhat of a concern to her. When I first started thinking about asking her out, it was something I thought about, too. Talking to her, though, she seemed quite mature and so I worried about it less.

2) What was more of a concern to me, and I knew this before I asked her out and had it confirmed last night, were her religious beliefs. She goes to Faith Chapel and is very involved in it. I have no problem with that. What does make me nervous is the tendency for those of the evangelical tradition to be intolerant of different beliefs. The sad part is that I believe very strongly in God and Jesus and try to keep that in the forefront of my decision making process as much as possible. It annoys me that so many Christians claim that their branch of Christianity is the one true branch and everyone else is a Hell-bound heathen. I don't know where exactly on this scale Katie Joy is, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little worried about it.

3) Two laugh-at-Shane moments. The first was at the restaurant. After paying the bill, I went back to the table to leave a tip. When I came back, Katie Joy asked, "Did you put the tip on the wrong table?" I looked back and she said, "Yeah, you did. You put it on the table next to ours." I moved the tip to the correct table. She got a big kick out of that. I laughed, too. It's not the first, nor will it be the last time I absent-mindedly do something like that. In fact I had another moment later that evening.

I was driving her home. She made a crack about me driving "crazy" apparently because I take turns quickly. I told her I didn't want her to be scared and slowed down to 15 mph. She laughed a little, but then really started laughing when she had to tell me I was about to turn down a one-way street. I looked at the street sign and sure enough I was. I needed to turn at the next block. She was laughing hysterically and so was the pedestrian who saw it and probably saw her laughing at me.

4) She doesn't like Monty Python's The Meaning of Life. Talking earlier, she mentioned loving Monty Python and the Holy Grail. She hadn't seen MoL or Life of Brian, so we decided to watch one of them. She picked MoL, but, as it turns out, she didn't like it. Really didn't like it. She had a big problem with the sex ed skit (which includes the teacher having sex with his wife to demonstrate for the students) and the nudity in the skit in which the man gets to choose his manner of death and has a dozen topless chicks in thongs chase him off of a cliff. The nudity especially bothered her because she said she found it degrading. I told her that I don't like nudity when it's done just for titillation, but that if it has a point as it did in this movie I don't have a problem with that. She wasn't convinced by my argument. I guess I'll try to avoid watching movies with her that have topless girls.

5) I had a really good time. She said she did, too, but she's nice enough to say that even if she didn't. No, I think (hope) she did. I like her. She's smart, pretty, independent, has goals for her life, sarcastic (always a bonus), and funny. I do want to go on some more dates with her. I'll probably call her tomorrow.

Soulmates

I think my sister, Shawna, could identify with this guy.

You know I love you, Shawna, but I just couldn't resist.

A Modern Bible

I would love to get a copy of this Bible.

Tales From the Noble Library

I just finished reading The Iliad. I have wanted to read it for a long time now (along with 50 million other books) but have only just got around to it. The translation was done by Robert Fagles, a noted expert on Greek literature. His translation was easy to read and engaging.

The poem was definitely enjoyable and it is easy to see why it has survived for as long as it has. The story is epic. The characters are larger than life while still feeling human. The violence is gritty and real, indeed I'm not sure I've read about more splattering blood and guts anywhere. Few people die without a graphic depiction of the spear or sword tearing through their bodies. Philosophies of war and battle are debated and argued.

It can be dry at times. Indeed, chapter two took me awhile to get through as it was mostly a list of various captains and which army they were leading. There are times, too, when the violence is just overwhelming it becomes numbing. If I was reading late at night, the battles would sometimes start to blend together and I couldn't remember who was leading what charge and who was fighting who and who was currently winning. Overall, though, the poem moves along well and is very engaging.

One of the most striking aspects to me was the deeply tragic nature of events due to the lack of control by the human characters. They are at the mercy of the gods who scheme and manipulate everything in an attempt to achieve the outcome they desire. They take part in the fighting, disguise themselves as mortals, grant some people immunity and strength, whisk a favorite away to prevent his death. I came away feeling sorry for all of the characters, unable to do as they wish, puppets on the strings of Zeus and his cohorts. Is this a natural human feeling? I don't think anybody living today would blame their ills on Hera, but I do think many people feel that they are not in control of their lives. How sad. It must be very frustrating and the source of much anger to not feel as though you are in control of your life. While their may be some things that happen to us in the course of our lives we cannot control, I firmly believe we can control how react to those situations.

The other book I have been reading is Watership Down. I have been reading it to my daughters, a chapter or two a week, when they are here. I have read it before and it is a favorite. My girls are definitely enjoying it, too. It is a very engaging book. Unlike many books featuring anthropomorphic animals, the rabbits of Watership Down are very recognizable as rabbits. They do not dress in clothes, carry tools, and live in houses. In fact, they are almost what one would expect real rabbits to be like if one could talk to them. Highly recommended reading.

I think the next book I am going to read for myself is Song of Kali by Dan Simmons.

Old School

While borrowing a car from my friend, Jeromy, a few weeks ago I put a CD of his in the stereo, Kickin' It Old School. It has a bunch of hip-hop classics from the 80s and 90s. I'm definitely not a hip-hop/rap fan with the exception of a few songs here and there. There were two songs on the CD that I actually do like, though. Coolio's "Gangsta's Paradise" and Puff Daddy's "I'll Be Missing You." Since listening to them in Jeromy's car, they've been stuck in my head, so I downloaded them from the iTunes store tonight.

I suppose my enjoyment of these hip-hop songs (and a few others like Eminem's "Cleaning Out My Closet" and "Lose Yourself") is because they aren't celebrating violence, drug use, and misogyny as so much of rap does. They are songs about real emotions and real moments. I can get behind songs that do that in any genre. Even country. Well, sometimes, anyway.

"Let the rain sing you a lullaby."

I think I've started a new tradition with my daughters and nieces. A month ago (six weeks?) we had a thunder storm. It was Friday evening. My daughters were over to spend the night and my nieces Alexis and Bryanna were also here. I was feeling down, not for any particular reason, but just because. I looked outside as the rain just started coming down and had a crazy thought. "How much fun would it be to go running outside right now?"

"Come on girls! Follow me," I shouted.

"Where are we going?" one of them asked.

"Outside."

"But, it's raining."

"I know," I said opening the back door and leading the four of them out into the backyard and into the rain. For just a minute all cares and worries and worldly things were forgotten. It was me, my daughters, and two of my nieces, running around the yard like fools, arms outstretched, laughing, screaming. Soaked, I led the charge back inside and we sat down for dinner.

After dinner, the rain became a torrent. Winds were gusting up to fifty miles an hour. My sister, Shawna, realized her car windows were down and ran out to roll them up. Still wet from our pre-dinner excursion, I said, "Girls, I think we better go help Shawna roll up her windows!" They cheered and we all went back into the storm.

The wind threatened to knock Alexis, only three, over. She kept saying, "The wind's messing up my hair!" I picked her up and put her on my shoulders and we ran around in circles. Of course, the five of us were not helping Shawna. We were having more fun acting like idiots. After getting very drenched this time, we ran back in the house.

Two brief but magical moments that I will never forget. For a minute all worries, fears, and cares were forgotten. Everything seemed to fade away; the world consisted of me, my daughters, my nieces, and the rain.

They have not forgotten it, either. A few weeks later, during another rainstorm, we went running into the rain again at the urging of my little ladies. And, again today, a few drops of rain began to fall and Alexis said, "Uncle Shane, let's go run in the rain!" So, of course, we did.

It's the little things in life that make it enjoyable.

Politics As Usual

Well, the upcoming presidential election is shaping up to be anything but. I had typed up a long post musing about the election and the candidates, but Firefox froze up on me and most of it was erased. I don't feel like retyping it now (it's bedtime!), but I will post some thoughts on it over the next few days. I am a bit of a political junkie for all of my cynicism about the issue.

The one candidate I can really support right now is Barack Obama. Andrew Sullivan had a great post on his blog today about a recent speech of Obama's. It is exactly the reason I find myself supporting him more and more (Obama, not Sullivan). I support Sullivan staying right where he is and writing more.

"It's waiting for the master's touch."

I picked up my car from the shop today. Was it fixed? Of course not. This mechanic, just as the last one, was unable to find the problem. It never died for them. He told me they drove it around the city a few times and left it running for a few hours three times in the shop. It never died. He tested a few parts and they checked out. He told me that without knowing what the problem was, the only thing he could really do is start replacing various parts and see if that worked. Obviously, that would be expensive and I respectfully declined his offer.

He jokingly said that my car might not like me and that maybe "it's waiting for the master's touch." When I told him that my sister's vehicle did the same thing to me the other day, he laughed, but he had that look on his fact that said, "Yeah, it probably is you, you kook."

So, I have my car back and it's still not fixed. I don't know whether to get upset or laugh at the absurdity of it.

It's a Conspiracy

There is some sort of secret car society actively working to make my life difficult.

The shop called me about my car today. They told me they were having trouble finding anything wrong with my vehicle. It started right up for them. It didn't die. The manager told me he was going to try a few more things, but he was stumped.

I've been borrowing my sister's vehicle, an Isuzu Trooper. What did it do to me tonight when I went to get dinner? That's right. It died on me. A few times. I'm just driving down the road and it dies. I got it home if barely.

Why do cars hate me?

UPDATE: Okay, the vehicle is a Toyota 4Runner, not an Isuzu. I don't know why I had that stuck in my head. Regardless of what it is, the car doesn't like me.

"I know!"

I really wonder about some churches out there.

At my job, I am responsible for everyone who comes to the hospital for business that is not a staff person. That includes vendors, contractors, and students. I put them through a brief orientation, verify their identity and employment, and keep track of them while they are here.

I also do this for clergy and parish visitors who come to the hospital to visit members of their church. More than any other group (excepting doctors), they have been the most difficult to deal with. That includes the director of our Spiritual Care department. I could go on for awhile with various stories about this, but I'll save them for another day.

A couple of months ago I gave her a list of clergy and parish visitors that had been through orientation with me. It was organized alphabetically by church and then by last name. She emailed me last week and said that was not working because "sometimes people don't know the name of the church." I wanted to ask who doesn't know, the people from the church, her and her staff, the volunteers who assist her, but I refrained. For a number of reasons, I just nod and agree whenever she says anything. Anyway, she wanted a list organized by denomination. So, I have had to go into my database and list a denomination for the nearly 200 churches I have listed.

Most are easy. If I don't know it, I can find it under the Yellow Pages of the phone book which lists churches by denomination. Sometimes, the church is not listed, however, and so I get on teh Interwebs and use the Google to find the answer. That led to an amusing find this morning.

I was looking up the Cornerstone Community church. While browsing the website of one of their branches, I found this beautiful nugget:

When one begins to study the Bible it doesn’t take long to determine what God values the most: he values himself above all else...

So apparently, God is like this guy:



I think God just became a lot cooler in my book. I do wonder about that church, though.

Is There No Truth In Beauty?

I know that this is what our fashion/beauty industry does, but it's still amazing to actually watch it in action.

Weekly Secret

PostSecret

Car Problems II: Son of Car Problems

Apparently, the feeling is mutual when it comes to my hatred of my car. The day after I wrote about it stalling on me while I was coming home from work, it did it again. Four times. In the same trip. Argh!

So, it's at the shop now. They've had it since Tuesday and I haven't heard from them, yet. I'm getting nervous that they will come back and tell me it's going to cost me some outrageous amount to get it fixed. I have such a burning desire to drive it off a cliff (without me in it).

In the meantime, I am borrowing my sister, Shawna's, vehicle. She just spent some $1500 or whatever getting it fixed. It will probably break down on me, too. I've already had the knob on the gear shift fall off and refuse to be put back on. Shifting without it is rather a pain.

Where's Scotty when I need him?

Done

I took my final exam last night for my Bible class and turned in my final paper today. Finally, I am done with all of my classes. I've been feeling burned out anyway, but this one really sapped me.

I'm taking at least a month off from school. I've been going almost non-stop for nearly a year now, so I think I've earned a break.

The Greatest Captain in the Universe

I make no secret that Captain James T. Kirk is my hero. Ever since I was young, I have looked up to him and admired his leadership, cunning, panache, his fighting style (two-fisted chop!), his ability to "turn death into a fighting chance to live." I have always wanted to be Kirk.

There's a great website, The Captain Kirk Page, dedicated to all things Kirk. One of the coolest things they have is a quiz about the good Captain. If you pass (I got 10/10, of course), then you get a diploma to prove your dedication, devotion, hero-worship to Kirk. Here's mine:



I think I'm going to frame it and hang it in my office. As if my co-workers need another excuse to call me a geek.

I also can't let this salute to Jim Kirk go without posting one of my favorite Kirk images of all time. It's from this great website and they have many similar to it.



That is so freakin' awesome. Okay. Okay. I'll post another awesome poster from the same site.



Too cool.

Anyway, I salute you Captain James T. Kirk. Perhaps someday I will be half as awesome as you.

UPDATE: You can click on the pictures to see a larger view if you are having trouble reading the captions.

Kids Are Scary

My beautiful daughter, Erica. So sweet. So innocent.

But not for long...*sigh*

Erica will be 11 this November. I found myself just staring at her a few weeks ago and it hit me. She's turning into a young woman. I'm scared to death. Kids are scary enough in their own right, but she will soon be a teenager with all of the wonderful things that brings. I'm trying to stay calm. It doesn't help, though, when she says to me earlier tonight (giddy and excited about having a friend sleep over), "My hormones are going crazy and I'm feeling frisky!"

I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Good News & Not So Good News

As part of the MS study I am in, I have to go in every three months for a variety of tests. They test hand-eye coordination, memory, gross motor skills, draw blood, do an EKG, and I have an MRI every six months. It's all very exciting, especially the memory test.

I listen to a CD of a man reading numbers. They come every five seconds in the most bland, monotone voice I have ever heard. It would be a great sleep aid; sometimes I find myself drifting toward unconciousness during the test. Anyway, I have to add together the last two numbers, the voice said. So, when he says, "Eight," and then five seconds later says, "Four," I say "Twelve." The tricky part is that I have to forget the sum I just gave, e.g. 12, because when he says the next number, say "six," I have to add it to the last number he said. So, I would add 6 and 4 to say, "Ten." I remember numbers very easily, so it's typically not a problem. As long as I am in the moment that is. There have been a few times when I find my mind drifting away listening to the monotone voice and I realize I didn't hear what the voice just said. It's almost more of an exercise in mental stamina than memory.

Anyway, my neurologist just called me. He said he had two things to tell me, one not so good and one great. First, my white blood cell count is low. He said it is not uncommon for people taking interferon medications as I am, but that it does need to be monitored. I am not too low, but he wants to keep an eye on it and if it gets lower and stays there, I may have to change medications.

The second piece of news is that my MRI shows marked improvement from the last scan. He told me that he was very pleased and surprised to see such a change. I'm not cured, of course. There is no cure for MS, but it is very exciting news, nonetheless. The drugs I'm on are clearly slowing the progress of the disease and that's great. I hope other people in this study are having similar progress with their condition.

Enter Sandman

I've been very tired lately. One of the more exciting aspects of MS that I've had to deal with is extreme fatigue. It doesn't take a lot (or any, really) of physical activity for it to hit me. It just does. I take Provigil and it's certainly been a life saver; I'm not sure how I would function without it. I'd sleep my life away.

Unfortunately, it doesn't always work. The last few days I have been more tired than usual even with the drugs. Last night, I was asleep shortly after eight. It's only a little after nine tonight and I've been struggling to stay awake for the last two hours. When the fatigue hits extra hard, it is typically worse in the evening, but it does affect me throughout the day. I have to really work to find the motivation to get stuff done at work as I'd rather just close my eyes and take a long nap.

That said, I'm off to take a long nap, now. An all-nighter.

Another Postcard

Another week. More pain. Check it out.

The Miracle of Birth

Two links in honor of my new niece:

An article about the miracle of birth and a video about said miracle.

One Down. One to Go.

I turned in my final research paper and abstract today for my research writing class. I'm done with that class now. I have one more week in my Intro to the Bible class and then I am done with it. I definitely need a break from school. I've been going nonstop for a few months now, and I'm starting to feel burned out. I haven't felt very motivated and it's led to more procrastination than usual. In fact, I wrote my research paper in the last three days and I've had the last sixteen weeks to work on it. I've got a lot of writing to do for my Bible class, too, that I've been putting off. That one has been a struggle, not just because I've been feeling burned out, but because of the nature of the course. I wasn't expecting a Bible class wherein the texts told me that the Bible is the inspired word of God because it says so and people inspired by the Holy Spirit have confirmed it. That's really put a damper on my enthusiasm for the class. There is still some good information in the books, but I find myself really disinterested in the whole class now. Oh, well. I am going to attempt to avoid taking any more classes from this prof in the future.

A New Member of the Family

A few hours ago (around 9p), my sister, Sheena, gave birth to a daughter, Aryana. She is, of course, gorgeous. Her weight was 6 lbs, 2 oz and I believe her length was 18". I am excited about a potential new recruit for my ship and look forward to teaching her about Star Trek, Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, Dragonlance, Queen, and all that is best in life.

I do have to say though, another female? What is it with my family? I now have a mom, three sisters, an ex-wife, two daughters, and three nieces (and that's not even counting a step-mom, a number of female co-workers, a possible girlfriend, sheesh). It's starting to get lopsided here.

I Hate Cars

Okay, not really, but they can be very annoying. My car (a wonderful 1989 Ford Taurus) died on me on the way home from work today. It's the second time it has done it in the last two weeks. I think (though I am certainly not a car expert) that it is vapor-locking. It has been very hot lately and I don't typically have a lot of gas in the tank. Whatever it is, I was stuck in the middle of traffic until I could push it to the side of the road. I let it sit for ten minutes and was able to restart it. I went straight to the gas station and put a few gallons in.

Why haven't scientists developed a transporter, yet?

Dating Again, part II

Well, I called the girl whose number I got last week. We probably talked for about thirty minutes. It was a nice conversation. The bad part is that we won't be going out for dinner for a few weeks. She is going out of town for a few weeks and will not be back until the first part of August. She must have told me a half-dozen times that she is not trying to avoid me; she does want to go out. I was shaking my head, but I do believe her. Besides, I am not in a hurry or anything. I'm still anxious, though.

The Human Desire for Love and Companionship

I mentioned PostSecret recently. Well, here's a postcard from this week:




This is just one person among many millions in our country drifting through life lonely, looking for love or a companion. They're everywhere; make an effort to reach out to the people in your life and let them know they are not alone.

Constant Companion

I'm a cat guy. Dogs are cool; I have no problem with them (except for small yappers, i.e. my Mom's dog, Mia), but I just identify more with cats. The cat pictured is my buddy, Tiberius (yes, named in honor of the greatest captain ever). I adopted him from the local animal shelter a couple of years ago. He is a little more clingy than the typical cat. He frequently likes to lay on my lap (as he is now), follows me into the bathroom, sleeps with me (usually between my legs), and often just follows me around the house. Just like people, cats have their odd quirks. Tiberius does not like to be touched anywhere other than his head and neck. If you try to pet him anywhere else on his body, he will nip at you. He is amazingly good with kids, too. My niece, Alexis, loves to grab Tiberius' head and plant a big kiss on him. Most of the time he lets her do it. Usually after she does it, she says, "Uncle Shane, Tiberius loves me, doesn't he?" It's funny to watch.

I wouldn't know what to do without Tiberius now.

The Strange Dichotomy of Beauty Pageants

Stories like this make me think of things like this.

PostSecret

PostSecret is a very interesting website. I discovered it a few months ago and it has been featured on CNN and other news programs. People anonymously send the owner of the site a postcard with a personal secret on it. Every week (usually) the owner puts some of the postcards on his site for the whole world to see. I find it a fascinating look at people in our society. Many of the secrets are humorous, but many more clearly reveal some deep-seated pain. I think that in our current society, many of us have forgotten how to connect with someone. For all of the talk of cell phones, the internet, email, jet travel, and other technologies making the world smaller and allowing us to connect with more people; I think that we have forgotten how to meaningfully connect with someone. No technology can replace the intimacy and feeling that comes from being in the presence of another human being and talking with them, sharing a meal with them, or just being together.

I am very grateful that I have two people, my mother and my friend, Jeromy, that I know I could share anything with. Anything. Every human being needs that, I believe.

Dating Again

I got a girl's phone number today. I asked her if I could take her out to dinner some time and she agreed, giving me her phone number. She volunteers during the summer at the hospital I work at. I met at work about a month ago. We've flirted a bit and I finally got the courage to ask her out.

It's been about two years since I last had a date. I haven't been actively looking, not because I didn't want to date, but because it wasn't a priority and I knew I'd meet a girl I would like to date eventually. Though it hasn't been a priority, I have to admit I am very excited. And nervous.

She told me she will be out of town this weekend, so I will give her a call on Monday or Tuesday. We'll see how it goes.

It's a Wonderful Life

I will be moving soon. I suppose I should say everyone in this house will be moving soon. When my brother, Shawn, went off to college last year, I moved in with my mother to help her out as needed. Shawn and Mom co-own the house. Unfortunately, Shawn does not want the house anymore. I've known for a long time now that he feels it is a burden on him and he wants to be free of it. He also wants the equity in it. He is racking up a lot of debt and he believes that this will be a solution to that. It will, but only in the short term. He does not realize that he needs to change his spending habits if he wants to stay debt free.

This decision has been a huge blow to Mom. It has always been a dream of hers to have her own home. She has known for awhile that Shawn was growing resentful of the house, but was hoping he could grow up, mature.

Shawn has been unable to do that and I don't think he can as long as he has this house. He is having a rough time right now. Self-confidence, decision making, and confronting tough, emotional situations have always been a problem for him. The self-confidence issue has not been helped by his not having a girlfriend that lasted for more than a couple of months. Until now, anyway. His new girlfriend, Heather, has been around nearly a year, now. I would love to be happy for him, except that it is painfully obvious to me (and just about everyone else that knows him) that she is not the girl for him. She is very cold and unfriendly. She makes no effort to say anything to anyone in our family. Sometimes she will be at our house for hours without talking to anyone but Shawn (in annoying whispers). He has even admitted that she wouldn't mind if we were not around, so she could have Shawn all to herself. Everything about her screams high school. Well, she is only 19.

Shawn doesn't care, though. He is desperate for female companionship and she is desperate for someone to take care of her. He plans to move to Missoula because she is going to school there. His life is now being put on hold because the only thing he can think about now is her.

Anyway, it boils down to all of us having to move out of the house. Mom could refuse to sell, but it would just cause a huge rift between her and Shawn. I could easily help Mom make the house payment (I all ready pay some rent), but I have no way of coming up with the equity to buy Shawn out. Mom is crushed, as I said, and has shed more than a few tears in the last week. She even said she wished she had never bought the house. I wish there was something I could do. Of course I will be renting a place with her, but I want to do more. All five of her children have put her through so much in the last fifteen years. She deserves better.

Read? You mean like a book?

These are some very depressing statistics. I suppose that in our age of instant gratification, the slow pleasure that comes from books just doesn't do anything for a lot of people. I can't imagine a life without books and I've tried to instill the same love in my daughters.

Where's the Tooth Fairy?

I had a tooth pulled earlier. At a checkup a few weeks ago, my dentist told me that I had cavities in all of my wisdom teeth. Well, one of them was actually chipped and cracked. He thought then that I could still keep that tooth.

Unfortunately, 'twas not meant to be. The cavities in the other teeth were small and easily filled. The cracked tooth, however, turned out to be worse than what he originally thought. He said he could do a root canal if I really wanted, but that it would be messy and may not work. He said it would be best to pull it and I agreed. I think there was a gleam in his eye when I consented to the tooth pulling.

Now, I just need to convince the tooth fairy to leave some money under my pillow. Since it was a big tooth and not a baby tooth, I'm thinking $20 sounds reasonable.

The Greatest Actor

A wonderful homage to the greatest actor of our time and perhaps ever.

Pain

What is it about the human experience that makes us cause another human pain. I'm not talking about anything like violence or war or even teasing someone with the intent to hurt. I'm talking about the normal things people do in their lives that end up hurting someone. The things that are unintentional. Most people don't go around trying to bring pain to someone else, but it happens all of the time nonetheless. Why is that? How can so much anguish and grief come inadvertently?

Linguistic Humor

The Washington Post Mensa Invitational has regular word contests. In a recent one, readers submit a word from the dictionary; alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter; and supply a new definition. Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

UPDATE: Fixed formatting.

iTunes U

I just discovered the coolest thing. There is a new section on the iTunes store - iTunes U. There they host free content from a number of universities including MIT and Stanford. The universities post audio and video content that may come straight from their classrooms or is professors talking about some topic. There is some cool stuff there. I've all ready downloaded some video on learning Hebrew and an audio of two professors discussing philosophy in fictional literature. This is really cool. I'm hooked.

True Love

I think we can all relate to this construction worker's quest for true love.

The great outdoors

Last weekend, the girls and I went camping. We went with my friend, Jeromy, and his family. It was a great outing. We camped down below Mystic Lake. While Jeromy, Debbie, and Eli went to a wedding on Saturday afternoon, the girls and I hiked up to the lake. I was so proud of my daughters, especially Shaena. The trail up to Mystic is about three miles, much of it uphill. Shaena was really struggling and she even took a spill toward the end, scuffing up her knee. I was getting worried that I was pushing her too hard. After she fell, I gave her the option of turning back, but she wanted to keep going. Just a few minutes later, we crested the rise and looked out over the beautiful lake.



I admit my eyes got a little wet when we made it. I was very proud of Erica and Shaena.

Smores were definitely the highlight of the trip for them as can be seen by Shaena's face in the picture below. They've never made smores over a fire before.



They also got a big kick out of the hammock Jeromy put up.



We had a lot of fun. I don't get outdoors near as much as I'd like. It's such a refreshing experience.



Here's a link to all of the photos I took during the trip.

It never ends...

I know I've mentioned that I've been very busy lately, but it seems I have been busier than usual lately. Between one sibling moving out of the house, another moving in, school, work, and a camping trip, things have been hectic lately. I think that things are settling down now, though, so hopefully I have more time to post.

A week with two lovely ladies

I picked up my daughters after I got off work tonight. They will be staying with me for a week. I am very excited. We're going to do an overnight camping trip this weekend, but other than that, we have no big plans. I just look forward to hanging out with them and enjoying their company.

Truth vs. Fact

I wrote "Promise" a few months ago. After I shared it with my mom, we ended up having a long talk about it. She admitted that part of it made her upset. She felt that I was misrepresenting her and not being completely honest. The section in question is when I talk about getting "kicked out" when I was 17. In her view that is not how it happened. She saw it as giving me a choice. I made the choice to leave so I was not actually "kicked out."

This led to a good discussion about how people can perceive the same situation differently, or truth versus fact. Whatever the facts of the situation were, the truth is that I felt like my mom was kicking me out of the house. That was a big part of the reason such a rift developed between my mom and I. We have since healed that and I couldn't ask for a better relationship with my mother. We are very close now.

Anyway, the sometimes clashing ideas of truth and fact can be tricky to navigate. Sometimes, in the tricky world of human interaction, facts aren't as important as truth. Sometimes we have to ignore the facts of the situation and get to the truth, the feelings, the emotions before we can overcome a problem and find peace.

A hectic week

I've been wanting to get on and post lately, but it has been very hectic around my house lately. I'm sure that makes it seem strange then that I have started another blog. This one is not just for me, though. My good friend, Jeromy, had a good suggestion in his reply to "Family's Important, But...II, Me" and I have decided to implement it.

The Noble Castle is a shared blog with my mother and siblings (well, as long as they accept the invitation, anyway). It will be a place for us to share our thoughts and feelings with each other and hopefully become closer. I think it is a shame that we have drifted apart as we have and I want to fix that.

I would like to have my father participate, as well. Unfortunately, he really doesn't want much to do with computers. He is also not good when it comes to emotion. He is very weak when it comes to tough emotional situations and finds it easier to avoid them. It's too bad, because two of my sisters, especially, could really benefit from a serious conversation with him. I don't know if it will ever happen.

Anyway, I look forward to the possibilities found in The Noble Castle.

UPDATE: I fixed the link to the new blog.

Happiness

The Onion has a great article on happiness. It's one of those that almost turns out more sad than funny as you realize how true it is for so many people.

An exciting year for music

I all ready mentioned Nightwish is going to release their new CD later this year. There are some other CDs I am anxiously awaiting.

Metallica is currently in the studio working on an album. They have ditched Bob Rock who has produced all of their albums since the Black Album in 1991. While I am not as critical of this period as some fans, I am excited about a new producer and the hope that the new album will more closely resemble their first four.

Coldplay is also working on new music. Chris Martin has said that this one will be darker than previous efforts and will feature the piano less. I love their first three albums and the fact that they all sound unique; they haven't rested on their laurels and repeated the same sound over and over. I bet this one will be just as good as the others.

Night Castle, the long-delayed album by the Trans-Siberian Orchestra is supposed to be out...*crosses fingers*...this year. This will be their second non-Christmas effort. Their first, Beethoven's Last Night, has become one of my favorite albums of all time. Some criticize the over-the-top bombast of their music, but I love it. The passion in their music is evident.

Flogging Molly has been playing new tracks at their live shows. They have said that they will be in the studio this summer recording their next album, but haven't said when they will release it. Another CD I can't wait to purchase. You can't go wrong with Celtic punk rock.

I think there are one or two others I'm forgetting at the moment, but that's a good list. This is a good year for music.

Family's important, but... II, Me

Well, if I'm going to talk about my family and try to deconstruct us, I believe it is only fair to begin with me. To that end I am posting a personal essay I wrote for a college class a few months ago. Warning: It is long.

“Promise”

Growing up, I was somewhat of a prodigy. Talking at six months, walking at nine months, reading at three; there was little I didn’t do early. My father likes to tell the story of informing my kindergarten teacher on my first day of school that I was reading at a sixth-grade level and that I was far advanced for my age academically. Obviously, she was skeptical if not outright disbelieving. Parents are always bragging about how smart or talented or beautiful their child is; that’s their job. After that first day, though, and as the school year went on, she admitted to my father that he was right. Unfortunately, being intelligent doesn’t mean you can’t make mistakes and that isn’t always the easiest lesson to learn.

My first few years in school were unremarkable. I fit in, had friends, and was as normal as any other kid. Things began to change by the time I got to third-grade. My family had moved several times in the previous two years and I started having trouble adjusting. I was becoming very conscious of the fact that I didn’t fit in with most of my peers. I thought differently and had different interests. I was also becoming very awkward socially. My friends could be counted on one hand…with one finger. This was also about the time the teasing and the mocking started as well as the many attempts to inflict bodily injury upon me. I got pushed around and knocked down a few times throughout school, but I was able to avoid anything more serious, not for a lack of trying by many kids, but because I was blessed with fast legs. I put them to good use running away from many bullies.

As school went on, I continued to excel; it was never a struggle. Learning was easy, especially since it was so rare for me to be given a chance to push myself. Our education system is designed for the people in the middle. Those on either end of the spectrum are left to fend for themselves. Some teachers tried, though. In fifth grade, I was allowed to skip ahead to the sixth grade math book. Even that was a joke, though. I had all ready done algebra, trigonometry, and some calculus at home. The best part was that the following year, I had to go through the same math book all over again. When I got to high school, I met with the administrators and came up with a plan to graduate a year early. If it had been allowed, I could have graduated two or three years earlier.

Besides being able to run quickly, my intelligence was my best defense mechanism. It became my shield. I could always count on being smarter than all of my classmates. I took great pleasure in always having the right answer. Seeing the confused look on someone’s face when I used words that they did not understand or the angry look when I proved them wrong on some point was my guilty pleasure. Making other kids feel stupid did nothing to endear me to them, but I didn’t care because it wasn’t as if they were clamoring to be my friend anyway.

The only problem with putting on armor is that there is always a chink. By constantly reminding my peers that I was smarter I set myself up in the position of not being able to make mistakes. Anytime I was wrong about something, the all ready relentless taunting reached new heights. I worked hard to be perfect, to make no mistakes. If I had any doubts about an answer, I wouldn’t say anything. This led to me becoming more withdrawn as I became petrified that I would say the wrong thing. Doing that and looking stupid became my greatest fear. If I looked stupid, my armor would crumble away leaving me exposed for who I really was, a scared boy desperate to be accepted.

While I enjoyed learning about any subject, science and math were my passion in those days, especially anything related to space. I read voraciously about NASA, the ’69 moon landing, and the solar system. Combined with my love of science fiction – Star Trek, Star Wars, Isaac Asimov, and more – I dreamed of traveling amongst the stars. I wanted to work for NASA’s space program. As I grew older, I even dreamed of starting my own private company and building the first faster-than-light ship.

My parents, my teachers, and most everyone who talked to me for more than a few minutes knew that I was destined for great things. I was going to cure cancer. I was going to solve world hunger. I was going to be the first man on Mars. I was going to change the world.

Things changed when I became a teenager. For a number of reasons, I became very angry. My parents divorced when I was twelve. I had four younger siblings and my mother was handicapped, unable to work. My father did not move far physically. He was in the same town, but he was not there for us like a father should be. I was now the man of the house and I had all manner of responsibilities thrust on me. I started working, doing paper routes and odd jobs around the neighborhood. As soon as I was fourteen, I got my driver’s license. Then I was taking my mother around town to run errands and my siblings to their extracurricular activities. That same year, I got my first “real” job working at a Taco Bell. The stress of it all put a strain on my relationship with my mother and soon we were arguing regularly.

Years of being an outcast and having few friends had also begun to take a toll on me. While I was younger, it had bothered me, but I kept it all buried. Now, combined with the normal stresses of being a teenager struggling to find an identity and feeling the weight of my family on my back, it all started to come out. I became increasingly angry and isolated. I quit baseball, track and the other extracurricular activities I was involved in. I was bitter and sarcastic. My grades started to drop as I cared less and less about school or anything else for that matter. I was all set to go to the Massachusetts Institute of Technology when I graduated, but my falling grades weren’t good enough anymore and I lost my chance.

The final straw came shortly after my seventeenth birthday. My mother had always pushed me to be more social and to go out on dates. I certainly wanted to date, but I was far too shy to ask a girl out. A girl I met at work took that step and asked me out. Perhaps predictably, I fell madly in love with her. Not only was she my first girlfriend, but she was the only person who “understood” me as I struggled emotionally. My mother did not approve of her, however, and that made me furious. She had long pushed me to date and, now that I was, she told me she did not like or approve of her. It was another in a list of reasons for us to argue. A month after my birthday, during one particularly vicious argument, my mother kicked me out of the house. I packed up my things and left. I moved in with my girlfriend; she was two years older than me, all ready graduated and living on her own.

My life came fully derailed then. Within a month my girlfriend was pregnant. A few years later we had had a second child and were married. It was disastrous. I knew that I had screwed up, that she was not the girl I wanted to spend my life with. My stubbornness was too deep to admit I had made a mistake, though, and I tried to stick it out. I made a half-hearted attempt to go to college, but quickly dropped out. I wasn’t ready for it mentally. I was still angry, although, it was more for the situation I found myself in than for any of the old reasons. After a few more years, I had had enough. We separated and divorced. I had been too young and wasn’t really in love, or maybe I had been, but it was simply the fleeting love of youth and not a mature, lasting love. With a lot of debt stemming from the divorce and my own poor financial decisions, I was not in a position to go back to school. I worked and existed, nothing more. I drifted through life wondering what had happened. I was a golden child. I was brilliant. It haunted me that I could be so smart and so lost.

One of the things I hated most after high school was running into people I had known back then. There was always awkward questions like, “Weren’t you supposed to go to M.I.T?” or statements like, “I thought you were going to work for NASA.” It was very uncomfortable and I always felt embarrassed. The chink in my armor was being exposed. I went out of my way to avoid most people that I had known except for one close friend. People that didn’t know me and found out I had two daughters would give me, “You look way too young to have kids. How old are you?” I hated seeing the look on their faces when I’d tell them and they would do the math. I felt like a failure, like a loser, and most of all, I felt stupid. I often wondered if I could ever get my life back on track.

In those years, I did a lot of thinking and reflecting. Never having many friends and not being one to talk much, I was used to having conversations with myself. I had never truly faced myself, though. Slowly these conversations became focused on why my life was the way it was. What had happened to put me in this position? Why was I not happy? What could I do about it? I became brutally honest with myself. I stripped myself bare and really took shape of who I was. Facing myself is the hardest thing I have ever done and I think something that few people truly do. I came to accept that I was in control of my life and I had no one to blame but myself for where I was. I learned that I was the only person responsible for my happiness. I decided that I did not want to be bitter and angry for the rest of my life. I came to accept myself for who I was, good and bad, and I worked on becoming a better person, a better human being. I forgave my father for not being there when I needed him, my mother for kicking me out of her house, and all of the kids who had tormented me throughout school. Most of all, I forgave myself for all of the mistakes I had made. I came to accept that I was just as human as everyone else, that I was going to make mistakes no matter how smart I was, and that my armor was actually a burden weighing me down. I took it off and vowed to not let my life get back off track again.

I also learned that my interests had changed. I was no longer as interested in science as I once was. It still appealed to me and I still kept up on current advances and read books about it for pleasure, but, as a career, it had lost its luster. My own painfully honest self-reflection not only gave me greater insight to myself, but gave me a great curiosity and passion for people. Who are we? Why are we here? Where have we been? Why do we do the things we do? What can I do to help other people? It sounded so corny even in my head, but I found that I had a burning desire to help people.

I had always been interested in history, but now it grew to the point that I knew I wanted to get a degree in it. Religious history, in particular, appealed to me. Every society on our planet throughout history has developed some sort of religion that has tried to answer the big questions. Why are we here? What is our purpose? My parents had taken me to church when I was young, but I was never very devout. I developed very strong convictions, but never felt organized religion was right for me. My beliefs were personal; I considered myself spiritual, but not religious. But there was something about religion and what people and societies did in its name that really piqued my interest. I felt driven to learn more about it to the point of making it my major.

After a few years of working, paying down some of my debts, and growing up, I became serious about going back to school. The traditional classroom environment held little appeal to me. Squeezing in time to go to school while working full time, seeing my daughters every week, and helping my mother with various tasks was not going to work. I began looking at online alternatives. A friend of mine had taken some classes on the Internet and recommended a school. I looked into it and liked what I saw. In August of 2006, ten years after I had graduated high school, I reentered college determined that nothing would stop me from getting my degree and pursuing my dreams. I thought the biggest hurdle had been cleared. I was wrong.

A few months later, something happened that could have again derailed my life. For a few months I had been having strange symptoms. My right hand started going numb. It would only last for a few seconds, but while it happened I could not control my hand. Soon, my right arm and leg would go numb. Again, it only lasted for a few seconds, but it would reoccur throughout the day. I had difficulty walking, even falling a few times, or using my hand when it happened. I knew that it was something serious, something neurological, but I didn’t want to go to the doctor. I tried to ignore it, hoping that it would just go away. Unfortunately, or perhaps thankfully, my mother saw me stumble a few times and asked me what was wrong. I dissembled at first, but finally told her. She pestered me to see a doctor and eventually I relented.

The doctor ordered a battery of tests including an MRI. When I went back for the results, he told me that the scan of my brain showed images consistent with multiple sclerosis. It did not come as a total shock because I knew when I first started going numb that something was wrong and it could be very serious. I could have become depressed. I could have cried and asked, “Why me?” I could have let it ruin my life, but I didn’t. My search for myself and my personal growth over the past few years had given me a rock-solid core of confidence in myself. I was happy with who I was and where my life was going. I knew that there was no obstacle I could not overcome. A debilitating disease was not about to get the best of me.

For all of the things I learned in the past few years, perhaps the most important is the value of mistakes. Making mistakes isn’t just okay; it is necessary. Learning does not come from perfection. Learning comes from screwing up and figuring out what happened. My myriad number of blunders have taught me many things, and I would not be as strong and capable as I am now if I had not gone through them as painful and as horrible as they were at the time. Even my biggest mistake, running off with my girlfriend, cannot really be called a mistake. That strange union produced two wonderful girls and how can anyone consider their children a mistake?

I’m twenty-eight now. I have the two smartest, most beautiful daughters in the world (parent’s job, remember?). I am happy, but serene; confident, but self-effacing; and at peace, but burning with desire. Finally, I know what I want with my life. It goes back to those innocent days of youth. I intend to fulfill the promise of those early days when everyone expected me to grow up and do great things. I am arrogant enough to think that I can change the world and smart enough to know that I can. I’m not sure exactly what I will do or how, but I will.

The Onion

If you don't read it, you should. They have some of the most talented writers of satire I have ever come across. Here's a recent editorial that had me in stitches (warning, it contains "foul" language, so if that offends you, don't click the link). The best part about the humor is that, as funny as it is, it is often insightful social commentary. I have a link to the site on the right side of my page. I don't think you'll regret a trip there.

Comments welcome

I've had a few comments here on the blog, but I would like to see more. In my mind, this blog (or any other, really) is not just an outlet for my thoughts, but a chance to enter into a dialog with the people reading it. So, please leave your comments and check back because I may very well respond to them.

Early morning musings on pain

It's about 1:45 in the morning. I'm sitting in a parking garage at work babysitting stuff for a garage sale tomorrow. Security isn't my regular job anymore, but I still pick up the occasional relief shift because I need the money and it can be fun.

Speaking of fun, I got tased last weekend. I picked up a couple of shifts and since our department carries tasers now, I wanted to be certified to carry. So, I rode the lightning. It was certainly the longest, most painful five seconds of my life. It felt like a ton of bricks slammed into me. I swear, if someone points a taser at me now, I'm putting my hands up and cooperating. It was amazing how quickly the pain passed, though. For a second or two after the taser finished its cycle, I still felt it, but then it was gone. I jumped up and was good to go. Now I get to carry one and share the love if someone doesn't want to play nice with others.

Nightwish

Since I first discovered the Finnish symphonic metal band Nightwish last year, they have become one of my favorite bands. Their blend of heavy metal and orchestral elements makes for an incredibly rich sound and the lyrics are poetic and personal. I sound like I should be writing ad-copy for them or something. Anyway, they are awesome.

The first single, Eva, from their new album was just released a week ago. They've got a new lead singer since firing the previous one for becoming a diva too focused on herself. I was nervous that whoever it was would not capture the spirit or passion that Tarja had. I worry no more. Annette Olzon, the new lead singer, has a beautiful voice and fit perfectly into the band (at least for this song). I have faith that their upcoming album will be just as awe-inspiring as the rest.

Is it September, yet?

Nose to the grindstone

I forgot I had another class, Introduction to the Bible, starting this week until I got an email today reminding me about it. I just reviewed the syllabus and it is going to keep me very busy. It's only eight weeks and I have to write three 2-3 page papers and two 8-10 page papers. The only test is the final exam and consists of short essays. Of course, I also have my research writing class and anthropology class going on at the moment.

Free time. Who needs it?

Family's important, but...

My sister, Shawna, uttered that phrase sometime back. I don't remember the context, but it wasn't said in complete jest. It was comical to me at the time for the sitcom-like absurdity of it, but the more I've thought about it, the sadder the phrase has become and the more it has seemed to embody the relationships among my siblings.

I have four siblings, three sisters - Sharie, Sheena, and Shawna - and one brother - Shawn. Growing up we were close, not extremely so, but we got along. As we became teenagers, though, we began drifting apart. We became caught up in our own problems, our own lives. I was/am just as guilty as the rest. None of us, myself included, call each other or make an effort to see each other near as much as we should. We get birthday gifts for each other more because it is expected than because we get excited and care about giving gifts to each other. I would say that most of us have no idea of what is going on in each other's lives past the surface level of where we are working and who we are dating. I don't think we know how each other really feels or what each other's hopes and dreams are. I also think that my siblings are very unhappy and desperately trying to fix it, but unsure how.

It's sad. I want to fix it, but I'm not sure how or if I can. Future posts will go more indepth on my siblings and our relationships and what I think the problems are that need to be overcome before we can become a closer family.

Teen sex

Well, that title should bring traffic to this place.

Slate has an interesting article about evangelical teens and their sexual habits. None of the findings come as a surprise to me. I think the more we make a big deal out of sex, whether it's "You're burning in hell if you try it before marriage!" or "It's the greatest thing in the world, so get out there and start doing it!" we are going to face teens participating in it. What teen trying to build their own identity isn't going to be tempted by something that is given an aura of mystique. It's also one reason kids drink and do drugs.

I think the best way to deal with this is to have frank discussions about the issue, be it sex, drugs, or whatever. It can't be a talk that starts with, "God only wants you to have sex after your married, so don't even think about it," or "Drugs are bad for you, so don't do it." Parents need to be honest. They need to explain exactly what sex is. They need to explain what is great about it (yes, I believe Mommy and Daddy should be telling their kids that sex feels good) as well as the possible consequences of sex (diseases, emotional issues, babies).

Is this a magic solution that will make problems go away? Of course not. I am willing to bet, however, that frank talk and honesty between parent and child will go a long way toward helping these issues. And, really, is it going to hurt?

Getting personal

I know. I know. I said I'd post more often. I'm working on it. Promise.

One of things that I've been thinking about since I started this blog is how personal I will be. What will I share? What will I hold back? And not, just as it pertains to me, but to others around me. Will friend or family members be upset if post something about them that they don't like? Will it harm the relationship? Help it grow?

I'm not sure I know the answers, but I do know something. I am going to attempt to be as open about myself as possible. I feel like we put up too many personal barriers in our society and that those barriers are ultimately harmful to meaningful relationships and personal growth.

I'm also probably going to post things about people in my life that they won't like. In no way do I intend it to be malicious. It will be honest appraisal of things as I see them. As I have grown and matured, I believe I have learned a lot about people and why they do the things they do. I want to bring down some of the barriers between myself and my loved ones. If that means, they end up hearing (er, reading) something that makes them angry, so be it. I want to cut through the bullshit and develop a meaningful relationship, rather than a half-hearted one based on facades.

So, to those who do know me and worry that you may be named in one of my posts, take a deep breath, and really try to understand what I am trying to say. For those of you who don't, I hope that something I say here on this blog gives you something to think about.

Even if it's that I have no clue what I'm talking about.

Speaking of procrastination...

I have a three to five page paper due in my anthropology class today. I should probably get started on it.

Recommended reading

I discovered Andrew Sullivan's blog last year while reading some stuff on Time's website. I soon became an addict. His well-reasoned, but impassioned, thoughts on a wide variety of topics make for interesting reading and help me clarify my own thoughts on many matters. He has a PhD in political science, is a Catholic, and is gay so many of his posts are about these three topics, individually and their intersection. Anyway, check it out. He was hosted by Time, but has recently moved to The Atlantic.

Here's a link to a recent post of his on torture, torture authorized by the Bush administration and used by Islamofascists.

Don't put off 'til tomorrow...

So, it's been nine days since my last post. It's certainly not as if I've had nothing to say. Talking may not be my style, but I do enjoy writing. Part of the delay is just trying to settle into a new habit. My goal right now is to post at least three times a week. As I get more settled, I would like to post daily. Procrastination is my biggest enemy here. Yes, I am busy, but not so much that I can't take time to post about something. I've always been a procrastinator, though I'm better than I used to be. Maybe this blog will help me improve more.

Anyway, I'll try...no, I will...post more often.

Mind games

When I was diagnosed with MS last fall, it wasn't a complete shock. With the strange symptoms I had been having for a few months, I knew something serious was going on. I knew it was a neurological problem of some sort. I've also had a feeling ever since I was young that something like this could happen to me, some debilitating disease or a serious accident that left me physically impaired in some way. Perhaps I'm crazy, but it's something that's hovered in the back of my mind for as long as I can remember. So, while it was still arresting to hear my doctor say that I had multiple sclerosis, it was not completely unexpected.

Life has changed, although not drastically. I am on two different medications as part of an MS study I am participating in (free drugs!). Both are injections I have to give myself, one daily and one weekly. I've never had a problem with needles, and though there are things I would rather do than stick myself with needles, I don't mind that much. I get dizzy a lot more easily than I ever used to which has led to some amusing situations, but nothing serious. Cold temperatures affect me more than they ever did. If it's less than 65 degrees, I'm feeling chilly. My mom is greatly amused by this, because she's always cold and I teased her about it a lot. Now she gives me grief about it. Fatigue has become a near constant companion, as well. If I didn't take pills for that, I'd be drifting through life in a barely conscious stupor.

None of these things have really been that big a deal for me. There's nothing I can do about having this disease, so I haven't been upset. I've just smiled and dealt with it. Alas, there is a side-effect that has had more of an impact on me. Depression. It's not depression brought on because I'm feeling sorry for myself. People with MS have a higher rate of depression than people with other debilitating diseases. Scientists have not found a reason, but conjecture that the disease itself has some sort of effect on the brain's emotional centers.

It's very frustrating to wake up feeling down in the dumps or to be sitting on my desk and suddenly realize out of the blue, for no reason, that I feel very sad. I have really worked hard to become a happy well-adjusted person in the last few years and now this hits me. I never get so bad that I contemplate suicide or anything like that, but I get in a funk where I don't feel like doing anything and I can get irritable. I know I could try anti-depressants, but I don't know if I can. I know it's not logical, but I would almost feel more depressed having to use anti-depressants. I have always taken pride in my mental faculties and I want to be able to deal with this "on my own." I know that the MS is doing this and it's ridiculous to think that I should be able to just deal with it, but that's how I feel...

...that and depressed.

Only the Good Die Young

October 22, 2006 is a day I'll never forget. I was at work, babysitting a drunk, when I got a call that one of my best friends, Patrick Kramer, had just been killed in a car accident. The moments immediately after that are hard to describe. I felt stark disbelief even though I knew it was true. Weakness gripped my legs and I struggled to stay standing. I felt worse than I ever had in my life. His is the first death of someone I was very close to that I have had to deal with. It's strange how death is something so normal, so part of the human experience, but that we are never ready, never prepared for it when it happens to a loved one.

Patrick was a cop in a small town a few hours from Billings. He was responding to an accident on the highway when he lost control of his vehicle and rolled it. He died on the spot almost instantly. He died as he lived, helping other people. Nothing gave him greater pleasure and even when it wasn't in his best interest, he did what he could for someone else. Patrick was a hero in the truest sense of the word.

His birthday was last Sunday. He would have been 30. I think about him all of the time, but he's been on my mind more often lately. I miss him terribly. My only consolation is that I know he is an a better place now. Patrick was dealing with a lot of personal issues and was in a lot of emotional turmoil for the last few years of his life. I'm glad he no longer has that burden, that pain.

Patrick, I wish you were here. I know it's a selfish thought. I know you're happier now, probably laughing at the antics of those of us still here. I still wish you were here.

Rest in peace, friend. I'll see you again someday.

Recent reading - The Prestige

I finished reading The Prestige earlier this week. I love the movie and have been wanting to read the book for awhile now. Obviously there was differences between the two, small small, others bigger. I found the book to be excellent, as well, but I'm not sure which I would say is better. I need more time to digest the book, perhaps even reading it again before I can make a more concrete judgement of it.

I almost wish I could have read the book before I saw the movie to see if I would have been able to pick up on the secret(s) before they were revealed. Ah, well. It was still an excellent read and I would say that the movie is an excellent adaptation keeping the spirit of the book if not the details.

Check them both out.