Saturday, July 7, 2007

It's a Wonderful Life

I will be moving soon. I suppose I should say everyone in this house will be moving soon. When my brother, Shawn, went off to college last year, I moved in with my mother to help her out as needed. Shawn and Mom co-own the house. Unfortunately, Shawn does not want the house anymore. I've known for a long time now that he feels it is a burden on him and he wants to be free of it. He also wants the equity in it. He is racking up a lot of debt and he believes that this will be a solution to that. It will, but only in the short term. He does not realize that he needs to change his spending habits if he wants to stay debt free.

This decision has been a huge blow to Mom. It has always been a dream of hers to have her own home. She has known for awhile that Shawn was growing resentful of the house, but was hoping he could grow up, mature.

Shawn has been unable to do that and I don't think he can as long as he has this house. He is having a rough time right now. Self-confidence, decision making, and confronting tough, emotional situations have always been a problem for him. The self-confidence issue has not been helped by his not having a girlfriend that lasted for more than a couple of months. Until now, anyway. His new girlfriend, Heather, has been around nearly a year, now. I would love to be happy for him, except that it is painfully obvious to me (and just about everyone else that knows him) that she is not the girl for him. She is very cold and unfriendly. She makes no effort to say anything to anyone in our family. Sometimes she will be at our house for hours without talking to anyone but Shawn (in annoying whispers). He has even admitted that she wouldn't mind if we were not around, so she could have Shawn all to herself. Everything about her screams high school. Well, she is only 19.

Shawn doesn't care, though. He is desperate for female companionship and she is desperate for someone to take care of her. He plans to move to Missoula because she is going to school there. His life is now being put on hold because the only thing he can think about now is her.

Anyway, it boils down to all of us having to move out of the house. Mom could refuse to sell, but it would just cause a huge rift between her and Shawn. I could easily help Mom make the house payment (I all ready pay some rent), but I have no way of coming up with the equity to buy Shawn out. Mom is crushed, as I said, and has shed more than a few tears in the last week. She even said she wished she had never bought the house. I wish there was something I could do. Of course I will be renting a place with her, but I want to do more. All five of her children have put her through so much in the last fifteen years. She deserves better.


Mom said...
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Mom said...

I can't even begin to describe the pain I'm in. But I know that you understand it. Other than the fact that I want you guys happy and successful, there is nothing in this world that I want more for myself than this house.

I never had any security as a child, I never experienced security with your father. Since I bought the house on 15th st. I have had the most profound feeling of safety and security. It felt like no matter what happened around me, I always had my home as my sanctuary. I have never, ever experienced that feeling in over 40 years!

Whenever I allow myself to think about walking out of this house and never being able to come back, my entire body screams NO! And I keep thinking that this is being selfish because I keep asking myself "Why can't I have something for myself? Everybody else will get the job they want, marry whom they want, have a reasonable amount of money, buy a home and a car. This house is probably the only thing, for the rest of my life, that I want with this much desire. Even having around $15,000 in my pocket will not give me that sense of peace and tranquility that sitting in my own living room does.

All 5 of you will go on to fulfill your dreams and I wish each and every one of you the very best. I just wanted to have my home a place where you all stopped in to share with me bits and pieces of your lives. I just wanted to make memories in a place called "my home."

Captain Noble said...

Ah, Mom, I don't know what to say. I know how much this has meant to you and how much it pains you to leave. It breaks my heart to see you in such misery.

Without trying to be flippant, I will say this, however. Tomorrow is another day. You may yet have another chance at your dream. I'll see to that.