I've been struggling lately. It's funny to me how most people who have been around me for the past few months undoubtedly have no idea. My daughters and mother probably do because they see me more often and at home where I'm more likely to relax and display my "true" feelings. Everywhere else I go I put on a face, the best face I can, because how can I say to my coworkers, my boss, and other people I interact with, "Sorry. I'm feeling really depressed right now so I'm not inclined to work on that project"?
I've had bouts of depression here and there before, but nothing like it's been lately. Many days I come home from work and sit in my room doing nothing. I come up and eat dinner and then go back to my room doing nothing. I get up and get something to snack on and then I sit...doing you guessed it, nothing. When I go to work I somehow manage to put forth a modicum of effort, but not enough for the growing work load I have. What this adds up to is that I've flunked the last two classes I took, gotten behind at work, haven't made a number of the doctor appointments I should have, haven't really cleaned my room in awhile, not taken care of a number of small things around the house, not gotten the oil changed on my vehicle, and a whole host of other things that I really should because I...just...don't...care.
This sucks. Mind you, I don't have any sort of suicidal ideations. I just have no will to do anything. 
So, I finally got around to seeing my primary physician today. Do you know how hard it is to talk about stuff like this? I suppose you do if you've ever felt like this, but if you haven't, let me tell you, it's damn hard. I've been seeing this doc for four years now and I like him a lot, but that doesn't make it much easier to rip yourself open and spill your guts. I haven't hardly talked about this to my friends or my mother. And today I had to tell this doctor that I needed help, that I was crashing and needed him to help me come in for a smooth (or at least not so rough) landing.
He gave me a script for Prozac. This did not really make me feel better. In fact, I found it...depressing. I'm already taking three pills a day, one injection a day (two on Saturday), and I'm hooked up to a machine 24/7 that pumps stuff in me to keep me alive. The last thing I want is another goddamned med to take every day. A small part of me also can't help but think, "You mean to tell me you're taking a pill 'cause you feel sad? Man up, sissy! Get over it!" I know this isn't logical. I know that these drugs have a good purpose. I know that I won't necessarily be taking it forever. I'm sure once I'm taking it (or some other similar drug if this one doesn't work) I'll feel better, but right now I'm just feeling depressed about taking drugs for feeling depressed.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
The Problem With Depression Is That It's Depressing
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2 comments:
You're right, it does suck! For many years I put on the public mask & yet at home could barely force myself to get out of bed. Even medicated it sneaks up on me occasionally. Now over the last couple years I think I'm adding some anxiety to the mix, plus have been told I have a tch of bipolar tendancies. Yippee frickin skippee! The fact that it is hard to deal with is exactly why I don't make a secret of being medicated for depression. It helps when you can identify with someone else, that you are not the only person that feels that way (cause most of the time you feel very alone). Good luck to you with your struggle, just know that there are more of us out there than you may think. We are all very good at disguising it when we need to.
I have known that you put on a face...you do a great job at it. I wish I knew what I could do to help you out...depression is one of those medical diagnosis that people tend to pretend isn't there. Most people don't know how to approach someone about it (or if the person even wants someone to approach them). You have so much on your plate and you can't always do it alone. I know that I can't help you overcome your depression or any other ailing diseases, but just know that I think of you often, and if you ever need a break or help, it is truly only a phone call away. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you or your girls. I can't imagine what you go through everyday with everything that plagues your mind and body, but support is there. Yes...there are many others that suffer along with you. I have even felt the pull of depression (not to your extent maybe) but it is something that can eat you away...I love you, and whatever I can do to help, just let me know.
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