The Custody Hearing

It's hard to describe what I feel right now, an odd mixture of relief and euphoria. The show cause hearing was today for my custody case. I've hardly been able to think of anything else these past few weeks as today drew nearer and nearer. At times I felt very confident while other times I felt like I didn't stand a chance. I've been listless and distracted much of the time, barely able to concentrate on work or homework. My mom asked me yesterday if I felt optimistic about the case. "No, I don't," I said. "But I don't feel pessimistic either. I just feel...like I'm drowning." It seems an eternity has passed since I first began this process, but it has only been about six months. I had to keep telling myself that as stressful (I hate how that word has become overused, but I think I'm justified this time) as this has been for me, this is much harder for Erica and Shaena. I also had to bear in mind that as bad as this is going to be for them, it is for a better end. Keep your eye on the prize and all that.

Today it paid off. My ex-wife did not even show up for the hearing. Oh, she knew about it and no doubt she has an answer for why she did not that makes sense to her. I'll go ahead and thank her for making my job easier. The girls' counselor testified first and then I did. Probably the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever done in my life. I'd rather jump out of a plane. Then the judge made her decision.

She ruled in my favor for the most part. In the interim I will be the primary custodial parent. Provided my ex-wife gets a day job so that she can be with the girls in the evening, attends counseling with them, allows them to participate in extr-curricular activities, and makes sure that they get to the (public!) school I will be enrolling them in during the time they are with her, she can file for a 50/50 custody arrangement. I have a hard time seeing her do this especially counseling.

I am so excited. This has been a weight on me for so long now. Before I took actual concrete steps this summer to make this happen, I had been contemplating it for years. Erica and Shaena have been in such a negative, abusive environment and it pained me to see it. Now, though, perhaps some healing can begin.

None of this would have been possible without some very generous people. The St. Vincent Healthcare Foundation and my co-worker and friend, Brenda Nagel. They donated a very generous sum of money which allowed me to obtain a lawyer. My lawyer, Brooke Baracker, at Elk River Law did a wonderful job guiding me through this and helping me make the best case I could. And, of course, all of my friends and family who have offered moral support through this ordeal. To those who came to court today - Mom, Dad, Jean, Sharie, Shawna, Brenda, and Jeromy - you don't know how much that meant to me. You couldn't be in the courtroom (privacy issues because of the minors involved), but just knowing you were waiting right outside made it that much more bearable inside.

Finally, of course, I have to say thank you to the two smartest, most talented, most compassionate, and most beautiful girls in the world. Erica and Shaena, you have come through so much and, unfortunately, the journey is not over, yet. There will be many more obstacles and pitfalls along the way. I am only human and though I try to be the best father I can, I know I have made mistakes. I will make more of them. Thank you for putting up with me and my follies. Thank you for staying with me through all of this.

Thank you for continuing to say, "Dad, I love you." Erica and Shaena, my sweet angels, I love you, too.

Overconfident Teens

A new study says that teens are no longer too insecure, they are overconfident.

Researchers compared responses from teens in 1975 and 2006, asking questions about their qualities and abilities. The study, published last month, found that today's kids consider themselves to be far more intelligent and capable than their 1970s counterparts, and more likely to report being "completely satisfied" with themselves.
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In fact, according to the study's co-author, associate professor of psychology at San Diego State University Jean Twenge, for today's youth "confidence has crossed over into overconfidence." Too much self-esteem (overconfidence) may be just as damaging as too little self-esteem.

Twenge and other researchers believe that the decades of efforts to boost self-esteem may have created unrealistic expectations in today's youth, and their inflated self-esteem may lead to a sense of entitlement: "I'm great, so I deserve great things."

Sadly, it's not just teens. The entitlement mentality seems to pervade much of our society. I think it's one of the reasons we are currently in the dire economic straits we are. Everyone thinks their special, that they deserve special treatment, and that the rules really don't apply to them.

I think these people need to be introduced to Tyler Durden. "You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You are the same decaying organic matter as everything else."

Weekly Music Video

'Tis the season. And who better to say "Happy Lootday!" than these guys?

Trans-Siberian Orchestra - "Christmas Canon"

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Unfocused

I mentioned awhile back that I have filed for custody of my daughters. The show cause hearing has finally been scheduled, the 16th of this month. As the date approaches I am finding it more and more difficult to focus on anything. Trying to get any homework done has been a joke. Work? I find myself sitting at my desk staring at my computer, clicking the mouse around, looking around a little, and suddenly an hour has passed. I can't hardly think about anything else, at least not with any modicum of concentration. It's aggravating because I have a lot of stuff to do, but I don't think it's going to change until after the hearing. It's just the initial hearing so it won't be the end of it, but at least it will be started. I'm on the edge of my seat.

The Emptiness of the Prosperity Gospel

Lisa Miller has harsh words for the Osteens and their message.

Prosperity preachers are neither new nor unique in America, but the Osteens' version seems especially self-serving. Victoria's book betrays her interest in the kind of small gratifications that rarely extend to other people, let alone to the larger world. She recommends that women take "me time" every day, and indulge occasionally in a (fat-free!) ice cream. She writes repeatedly about her love for the gym. Her relationship advice is retrograde dross: submit to your man, or at least pretend you're submitting, and then do what you want anyway. "I know if I just wait long enough," she writes, "eventually my idea will become Joel's idea, and it will come to pass." When I asked her how she kept her two children interested in church, she answered that even though they were a broccoli and lean-meats household, she gave them doughnuts as a special treat on Sundays. All this is fine, in the pages of a women's magazine or a self-help book. But what has God got to do with it?

The problem with the prosperity gospel is that it is not rooted in any honest reading of the Bible. Bits and pieces get picked out to support the message, but you can't take Bible verses out of the context they are packaged in. Prosperity preachers are certainly not the only Christian group to do this, but their interpretation certainly speaks to our culture today, doesn't it? The message is all about getting stuff and taking the easy road. God wants you to be rich. God wants you to have lots of material things. God wants you to have a luxurious life without hardship. I find it hard to reconcile that with the teachings of Jesus, but maybe that's just me.

It will be interesting to see how the prosperity gospel weathers the global economic crisis. Will people be comforted by a materialistic message like the one preached by Joel Osteen or will we see people start to move away from their incessant desire for things robbing the prosperity gospel of its base? Who knows, but it will be interesting to watch.

The Search for Extraterrestrial Life

I hope that the economic downturn does not affect projects like the Allen Telescope Array which searches the cosmos for radio signals that could indicate intelligent life. There seems to be a number of people who question research like this that isn't producing hard, tangible results right now, but I don't. Maybe it's the dreamer in me, but I get excited about stuff like this. All science, all research has value because it is the quest for knowledge and that cannot be a bad thing.

Google: Free Speech Guardian?

Check out this fascinating NYT article about Google and their need to have a team of people dedicated to checking content to see what needs to be blocked where to follow different nation's laws. It raises some tough questions about free speech and whether or not Google should or even can be the final filter of web content.

Weekly Music Video

This song has become one of my favorites since I picked up this album a few months ago. It's a dark, moody epic about...well, I'll just let the liner notes tell you.

The Scarecrow is a tragic story of a lonesome creature, emotionally isolated from his environment and suffering from a distorted sensory preception. His feelings for the love of his life unrequited. He sets off on a journey exploring the left-hand path, striving for inner peace, ploughing his way to approval and eventually facing temptation at the inner depths of the human soul...

It's hard finding good videos for European bands especially for long (11+ minutes!) songs, so you'll have to settle for this fan made video which is just a collection of images that the creator thought of while listening to the song. It also has the lyrics for those who have trouble understanding the singer's German accent.

Avantasia - "The Scarecrow"


Avantasia is an awesome symphonic metal band that you really owe it to yourself to check out. I caught an interview with the band's founder, Tobias Sammet (who also started Edguy), where he said that growing up he was a huge fan of classic metal groups like Iron Maiden, but that he also loved the bombast of Queen. With inspiration like that, what's not to like?

EDIT: Don't mind the still image for the video. Yes it's an Iron Maiden album cover, but it's just an image used in the video. Really, it's Avantasia performing "The Scarecrow." Honest.

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Happy Thanksgiving

I have a lot to be thankful, but right now I am most thankful for the monetary aid given to me by the St. Vincent Healthcare Foundation and my co-worker, Brenda Nagel, which has allowed me to pursue custody of my daughters. I don't go to court for a few weeks, yet, and the outcome is, of course, uncertain ("Judges are human" as my lawyer is wont to say) but the fact that I even have this chance is just overwhelming as I wasn't sure I ever would. It is a debt I cannot repay and a definite reminder that there are good, gracious people in this world despite the occasional evidence to the contrary.

The Bush Legacy

Joe Klein writes an ode to Bush as his Presidency winds down.

In the end, though, it will not be the creative paralysis that defines Bush. It will be his intellectual laziness, at home and abroad. Bush never understood, or cared about, the delicate balance between freedom and regulation that was necessary to make markets work. He never understood, or cared about, the delicate balance between freedom and equity that was necessary to maintain the strong middle class required for both prosperity and democracy. He never considered the complexities of the cultures he was invading. He never understood that faith, unaccompanied by rigorous skepticism, is a recipe for myopia and foolishness. He is less than President now, and that is appropriate. He was never very much of one.

Putting aside my own biases, I have a hard time imagining anyone making any sort of credible defense of Bush's legacy. Yes, his Presidency isn't officially over, yet and time could be more favorable to him (Harry Truman style), but it is still difficult to figure out what a more favorable picture of Bush would even entail. He did actually have a few decent moments (immigration, AIDS assistance in Africa), but when it came to the big things - the response to 9/11 and terrorism, the conduct of Iraq and Afghanistan, torture, the economy, civil liberties - he has been an unmitigated disaster.

Anyone out there care to make an intellectually credible defense of George W. Bush?

Torture Pardons

A bill has been introduced in the House to prevent the expected preemptive pardons by Bush for crimes his administration has committed. There has been talk that the Obama team is worried about pushing this issue themselves feeling that they would burn political capital and fuel partisan bickering. I understand that, but find it incredibly sad and pathetic, too. What kind of message does it send to people that we won't investigate wrong doings, especially things as grotesque as torture, if it might make some people mad?

If you care about this issue, go here and sign this petition supporting this resolution and send an email or letter to your Congressional representatives asking them to support it, as well. If we the people don't take a stand on this, we have no right to complain in the future when elected officials break the law.

Weekly Music Video

I first heard this song when it first came out while working at Target. It was playing on the TVs in the Electronics section and I was hooked. In a pleasant turn, the entire CD turned out to be great.

David Gray - "Babylon"

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I bet this church sees a spike in attendance.

Bush Administration Has Never Tortured

Yes, that's the new line from the White House. Dana Perino said, "This president has said that we did interrogate terrorists, and we did so to protect the country from possible imminent terrorist attack. We did not torture."

When did the White House change its name to the Ministry of Truth? Oh, I forgot, waterboarding isn't torture anymore. I'll have to make a note of that.

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Who has not wanted "money for nothing and your chicks for free"?

Dire Straits - "Money for Nothing"

Geek Films - Star Trek and Watchmen

New information is out for two geek films coming out next year. First up - Star Trek.

A new trailer has been released.



I'm not sure what to make of the trailer. I think the film is going to look fantastic no doubt about it. As for the story and the acting, I'm still not sure. I just haven't seen enough to get a good feel for it. Part of that could be my trepidation at the whole project, but we'll see.

For more proof of how good it will look, check out the Enterprise. It's sharp, sleek, and new looking while still being true to the original design. Matt Jeffries would be proud.


Next up - Watchmen.

Another trailer has been released for this flick.

As with Star Trek, I have no doubt that this movie is going to look incredible. In fact, I am more impressed with the visuals for Watchmen than I am with Star Trek because Zak Snyder and crew seem to have managed to bring most of the visual panache of the graphic novel to the screen.

That said, I am also nervous about the script for this. Rumor has it that the ending has been tweaked. Supposedly it still has the same effect, but that the cause has been changed. I don't want to give anything away for those who have not read it (and if you haven't you really should), but suffice to say that any change in the ending risks screwing up everything that came before. We'll see.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up too high for either of these films, but you can bet I will be seeing both in theaters next year. I hope they turn out good enough to make me want to pay to see them multiple times on the big screen.

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Speaking of medication side effects...



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My secret fear with my two daughters is that they will some day be diagnosed with one or both of my diseases. More than the fact that no parent wants their children to be sick, I would feel responsible and I don't know how I would handle that.

Drugs and Side Effects

In the study I am in for my multiple sclerosis, one of the drugs I take is Avonex. It could be a placebo, but the nurse at the clinical coordination site tells me that based on the side-effects, I probably am taking the real deal. And it is those side effects that make me wonder why anyone would take this drug. For about 24-hours after taking the injection, I am down for the count. My body aches. I am more tired than usual. I just have this horrible "blah" feeling and I don't want to do anything except lie down and veg. I'm sure my liver appreciates the 2400-4800 mg of Ibuprofen I take just to be half-way functional for the day.

I have just over another year to go in the study and I have a hard time seeing myself continuing to use Avonex. Other than the cost ($400 per shot), I feel like I lose a day every week. I inject myself a couple of hours before I go to be on Saturday night so that I can sleep through part of it, but Sundays are just shot. I keep asking myself if the drug does enough to slow down the advance of MS in order to make it worthwhile and I just don't know. It's a tricky balance for anyone with a major disease. When do the side-effects of a medication outweigh its benefits?

Right now, I'm not sure that taking Avonex is worth it for me. I've got a year to think about it, though.